I’m not out of the woods from this current bout of depression. My new medication is only just beginning and it’s early days, though one of its side effects didn’t take long to kick in. Too much information I know, but dreadful constipation isn’t a great way to begin a new medication regimen. Now I know at first hand what it’s like to feel bloated!

My mood is steady though. I continue to experience horrifying periods of deep and seemingly unmanageable self-loathing, with accompanying thoughts of ending my life as a result of this. However, in these moments, I’m discovering I’m drawing more and more on the resilience I acquired during my kayaking journey. This is due in no small part to the fact I’ve been delivering public presentations about this journey to various audiences around Scotland.

These events have been well attended and despite some stage nerves each time, I enjoy myself immensely. I also enjoy the realisation folks are interested in what I have to share, how I tell my story and the messages I impart. It’s an affirming experience for me. It’s also hugely useful for me when recounting the powerful transformational learning I gained from my journey, I hear these words for myself too. This is why I’m more readily able to tap into my inner resilience when I experiencing a deep low, to keep me moving forward.

Saying this, I’ve yet to find my way back into a sustained process of writing the book about the journey. My confidence with this is at an extremely low ebb and when I do open up the files containing my writing so far, all I see is a word salad of complete and utter tosh! Despite this, I’m increasingly aware of a growing desire to get back into solidly writing again. Again, my recent public presentations have helped prove I have a good story to tell and I’m keen to get this written. I have nearly a month of house sitting for friends on the Isle of Skye coming up soon, so it’s my goal to use this time to complete the bulk of the book.

It was attending the occupational therapy sessions during my hospital admission in 2019, after my suicide attempt, which awoke my inner creativity. This lead to me making jewellery pieces and art from the fruits of my beach combing here on the Isle of Mull. Since returning from my long kayak journey, it’s taken months for me to reconnect with my inner creativeness. Thankfully, I’m back in my shed again and I’m loving it! All of a sudden I’m once more excited with the possibilities before me and learning new skills. I may not produce high class pieces, but each is created with passion. I’ve returned to my shed with a clear idea of what I want to create, what I want to learn and where I want to enhance my skills.

This is a major step forward for me. My tenacity, an innate personal quality I only recently understood I possessed, prevented me from sinking into the doldrums of wallowing in self-pity and instead inspired me to return to my shed and “give it a go”. Once at my work bench, I quickly realised the space in my shed and the creativity it unleashes within me, is akin to kayaking on the sea. It’s rhythmic, mindful, absorbing and hugely rewarding. My uneasy mind is stilled and whatever self-hatred I’m experiencing, is diminished.

It has occurred to me, I cannot carry my self-directed anger or hate for more than mere seconds when I’m out in my kayak or making art in my shed. This is why occupational therapy worked so well for me during my many hospital admissions.

I’m on my road to recovery and it’s good to once more experience the familiar bursting buds of hope within me. I notice though, I continue to shy away from social media, believing I’m a fraudulent presence. Indeed, if there is a negative within the public presentations I have been giving, it is the strong sense I have no right to be speaking as I do about positivity. It’s nigh on impossible for me to absorb the generous feedback I receive without my internal dialogue batting it away.

I have a few more presentations coming up. One, tomorrow night in Portobello and the next one on Skye in April. I know every time I give a talk, this inner dialogue of mine will be slowly vanquished.

So folks, that is the current state of play for Nick Life Afloat. Never a dull moment!

Thank you as always for your love and warm support.